Kids Say the Darndest Things...



Why Marvel Comics Is Starting To Piss Me Off

Big M, I love ya...but you need to New 52 this shit, pronto.

I've been a fanboy since about...1988 or so.  I would have been 10 then, so that sounds about right.  In particular, I have been an X-Men fan for ever and always - since then.  I grew up in a rural area outside a small town - where the only place to buy comics locally was at the grocery store.  Ewwww, non direct-only versions.  I know.  Whatever.  I started buying comics when cover price for a standard monthly was 75 cents.  Yeah, I'm that old.

I digress.  There was one X-Men title: the classic, Uncanny X-Men (R.I.P.).  I remember what a humonstrous deal it was when the X-Men series came out.  Of course, there was also X-Factor and The New Mutants, which became X-Force.  But that was it.  Easy to keep up with.  Pretty self-contained, save the occasional cameo appearance across one book or another.  

In the ensuing years, however, we've been given bludgeoned to death with X-Man, Astonishing X-Men, Ultimate X-Men, X-Men Legacy, Uncanny X-Force, X-Statix, X-Men Legacy, Generation Hope, Wolverine and the X-Men, X-23, and probably 150 or so that I'm forgetting.  Not to mention all the "event crossovers" and mini-series.  Don't get me wrong, some of those were (or were probably) good to excellent books.  *Full disclosure: I stopped reading regularly around 1996, picked up again around 2000/01, and stopped again around 2003, until 2010/11.*  Here's my problem:  I don't care.  Oh, and I don't make enough money to support any semblance of keeping up with all the goings-on in the X-Universe. 

I still love the X-Men.  And Marvel, I still love you too as a whole, but bro...why are you fucking with me?  I can't keep up with your ways anymore.  You're getting sloppy.  Lately, I'll admit, my eye has been wandering more than usual.  Yeah, I'll admit I've been creeping on Oni and Image...hell, even calling up old Wildstorm and Dark Horse back issues for some quick fun.  What do you expect?  Cut the shit.  You got way too much drama for me right now.

Oh, and...where the fuck is Dazzler????  Find a way to properly utilize her already.  

Hell, give me a title (even the Avengers have, what, 30 or so now?) - I'll build a new team consisting of Dazzler, Cloak and Dagger, Saint Sinner (yes, from Clive Barker's Razorline...line), Moon Knight, Penance (er, Hollow now, apparently), Chamber, and Nightmask.  Hire Jae Lee or Chris Bachalo (haha, like I could afford them) for the art, Neil Gaiman for the writing (again, what's my budget here????) and make it Marvel's dark, twisted fantasy of a book.  

- Johnny Decibel

BEGGARS CAN’T BE BLOGGERS – Movies and Comics – Dale Beggars

My wife and I were watching Jack Goes Boating last night and it occurred to me how just one random minute of it’s running time contained more truth about relationships than the entire run of comics featuring Black Panther and Storm as a married couple.  So what’s so shocking about Avengers VS X-Men #9?

And, no, we don’t buy comics to see T’challa get reamed out for pubcrawling by a curler wearing Storm, so Marvel creators don’t explore the same themes as the movies.  But can we be honest and say the last time T’Challa was interesting was the first 6 issues of the Reggie Hudlin run? And with Storm, we’d go way back to her mohawk days, back when she listened to The Exploited.

And the whole “Marvel doesn’t know how to portray positive black relationships” argument doesn’t work, because this was a Wakandan king marrying a mutant “goddess”.  The only way these characters get more dull is if they speak in verse.  At least Brian Michael Bendis, for better or worse, injects the Luke Cage/Jessica Jones marriage with real world problems.  Even Bendis’ critics must admit he’s trying to show married people struggle with anxiety and identity within the 616 area code.  

It’s hardly surprising Marvel employs an event comic to undo T’challa & Storm’s  vows since editors were inventing new ways for them to live separately.  My god, last year T’challa was running a diner in Hell’s Kitchen!  He had a greater shot of bumping into this guy than his wife .  His wife, who was joining one more superteam under Marvel’s cart-before-the- horse braintrust.  A therapist might ask one of these workaholics if professional obligation was but a convenient excuse to stay away from their spouse.

Speaking of Storm’s mohawk days, one of my favorite 80’s X-Men memories was when the powerless Ororo Munroe took her sabbatical to Dallas, Texas (where I live).  I loved the way JRJr drew Forge’s skyscraper so close in proximity to Reunion Tower.  And BWS would step in for those ” Life/Death” specials.  What a story.  Do you think Forge would ever lease a floor to the Kardashians, if the 616 Lakers traded Lamar to the 616 Mavericks?   Would Forge expose the Kardashians for the Dire Wraiths they truly are?  Before embarking on the destruction of the Seacrest Empire?

Thumbs of for Jack Goes Boating, by the way.  My wife hated it, and it’s very similar to Punch Drunk Love  which also starred Hoffman.  But I’m sucker for stories where repressed manchildren learn to contain their rage and speak to women.  Probably because it’s so different from my own life.

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On today’s pile was BOOM! Studios’ Steed And Mrs Peel 1-6 by Grant Morrison, Anne Caulfield, and Ian Gibson.  

Of course, I had no idea BOOM! republished these from a 1990’s Eclipse title.  It’s a terrific showcase for artist Ian Gibson, who I remember from the 90’s and looks better than ever on the improved paper.  It’s a very trippy read and, unlike some of Morrison’s more recent work, I wasn’t exhausted by all of the ideas he tossed in.  Morrison’s wonderful , but I admit sometimes I wish he’d throw in one less alternate universe Superman.

- Dale Beggars